Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
