I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
