My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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