I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
