I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
