I'm going to jail i love you
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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