I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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