I want to walk on stilts...naked
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
