Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
