He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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