I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
