just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I did not marry a roomba.
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