Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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