i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
