I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
