the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
