So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize