I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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