I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize