I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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