Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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