The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
