he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
