just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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