I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
