He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
