Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Success! We fucked roommates!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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