She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
