Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
