I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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