Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize