The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my being single is dangerous.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
