it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
