Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
