I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
