ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
