dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
