I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
