I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
