tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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