No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
