we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize