She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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