If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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