At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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