You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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