Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
