I will die if light touches me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
