My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
