I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
