and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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