That's when you crack a 10am beer
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
