I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
