I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
