I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize