I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
