I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
