I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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