you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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