my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
