i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
